Growing Up In The 21st Century; A Short Discussion Of What It Takes To Become An Adult In This ‘New Normal’ World Of Ours

A brief though paper on the scaffolding each of us needs as we reach for certainty and peace of mind in a world disrupted by long-covid, rangorous national politics, and a very scary international scene.

Photo by Gennifer Miller on Unsplash

The adult development experts I’m familiar with are clear; If you’re over 25 and you’re still doing what needs doing to become a full-fledged, matture adult, you definitely need some support an guidance.

“Scaffolding” is what the experts call this kind of guidance. They’ve identified several different types.

For instance, Robert Kegan’s tells us that, when it comes to helping someone over 25 transform their unique Orders of Consciousness, they need help from a personal guide or coach who knows how to support them at eahof the ‘way stations’ that show up at various points during the person’s learning journey.

In this context, my experience coaching my clients’ on their way through their transformational journeys shows me that there are several “way stations” that an adult learner must pass through.

The Four Way Stations

Here’s a brief outline of the four Inflection Points” or “transformational way stations” that I’ve seen adult learners encounter as they make their way through their own personal learning journeys:

• The ‘Am I Going To Do This?’ Way Station: Not surprisingly, there is a ‘way station’ learners need to pass through that shows up before they step out into their transformational journey. This way station shows up that point in time that’s right between “I’m thinking about it” and “I’m doing it.” This is the way station that’s concerned with and characterized by doubt. It’s a time of intrapsychic and interpersonal arguing and debating. A time for hesitating on the brink. Eventually though, for every serious learner, it needs to become a way station that’s concerned with deciding to start.
• The ‘Where Am I Going?’ Way Station: Just as a person steps out into their learning journey, a second way station appears. This transition point isn’t a precise location or specific point in time. Rather, it’s th point that emerges early in a person’s learning journey where they realize that they need to stop debating and arguing with themselves and take some time to collect their bearings.
• The ‘What Did I Get Myself Into?’ Way Station: This third way station emerges somewhere close to the middle of every learning journey. It’s the place where Alice and her four companions, in their journey to the Emerald City, entered the poppy fields. It’s the point where the learner's doubts and fears weigh heavy. It’s the point where the journey’s early momentum has been lost, and the learneer needs to find new courage and faith.
• The ‘Can I Really Do This?’ Way Station: The fourth way station shows up towards the end of every learning journey. It’s the point where the toughest challenges are found. It’s the point in time when the learners that I’ve coached see the decisive last few steps at the end of their journey and realize they need to gather their strength and courage to finally face whatever fundamental misconceptions about themselves and their life they’re still hanging onto.

Getting The Support You Need

Across the last several years, I’ve discovered there are four distinct types of support that my clients need from me if, for them, I’m going to be the “good companion” they need.

For me, these four disstinct supportive “presences” feel like four distinct personal/professional “roles,” one each for each of the four way stations a learning partner passes through on their learning journey.

For instance, just before a learner actually steps out onto their transformational bridge (i.e., at what I’ve describedjust above as their ‘Am I Going To Do This?’ Way Station) I’ve found that my learning partners need a presence from me that’s aware of and appreciates their doubts, fears, and hesitancies. This presence is one that I think of as a Companion.

After this, I’ve found my partners need a second presence that’s available just as they’re stepping out into their learning journey. Here, at their ‘Where Am I Going?’ Way Station, I’ve discovered they appreciate me being someone who can provide them with guideposts and roadmaps, as well as with the reassurance they need to keep going. This presence is one that I think of as a Thought Partner.

The third presence emerges at the middle of the learning journey, just when a learner’s doubts and fears are beginning to weigh heavy. This is the learner’s ‘What Did I Get Myself Into’ Way Station. Here, the presence my clients have wanted from me is one that can applaud what they’ve accomplished, honor their flagging will, and help them re-discover the courage to go on. This presence is one that I think of as a Witness.

At the ‘Can I Really Do This?’ Way Station, the last transition point in a learner’s journey, I’ve learned that my clients value a supportive presence that helps them define the size and shape of the challenges still in front of them. And a presence that encourages them to acknowledge out loud just how big, tough, and threatening their last few steps might be. This presence is one that I think of as an Usher.

Learners, Way Stations, and Useful Support

In simple terms, here’s my take on the way the four way stations and the four presences I’ve just described fit together.

First, I’m suggesting there’s an ‘Am I Going To Do This? Way Station just before a learner actually decides to start their transformational journey. I’m suggesting a learner passing through this way station needs a Companion who’s able to listen with deep receptiveness to the soundings of their pilgrim’s unspoken worries and their first vague whispers of hope. I call this a pilgrim’s Am I Going To Do This? / Companion Way Station.

Next I’m suggesting there’s a ‘Where Am I Going?” Way Station just as a learner is stepping out into their learning journey. Here I’m suggesting a learning partner wants a Thought Partner who can provide them with guideposts and roadmaps. They need someone who possesses experience, knowledge, and perspective, someone who can talk in concrete, practical ways about the steps, back alleys, and way stations that are found in all transformational journeys. I call this a learner’s Where Am I Going / Thought Partner Way Station.

At the ‘What Did I Get Myself Into?’ Way Station, the third presence a learner needs is that of Witness. At this station, a learner needs someone who’s prepared to recognize and applaud their partner’s accomplishments and their efforts, as well as their lapses of judgment and loss of nerve. I call this a learner’s What Did I Get Myself Into? / Witness Way Station.

Kegan’s research suggests that very few people ever reach the ‘Can I Really Do This? Way Station that’s at the end of every learney journey. So, it’s hard to describe one specific presence that’s needed at this last way station. Perhaps the presence that best fits this way station is that of an Usher. When this presence is available at this last way station, the scaffolding is in place for the learner to gather themselves for their last big push, their confrontation with the biggest risks and toughest vulnerabilities. I call this a pilgrim’s Can I Really Do This? / Usher Way Station.

Start to finish then, it seems there are at least four distinct Way Stations, and four associated types of support that’are needed to complete Robert Kegan’s learning journey:

The ‘Am I Going To Do This?’ / Companion Equation

The ‘Where Am I Going?” / Thought Partner Equation

The ‘What Did I Get Myself Into?’ Witness Equation

The ‘Can I Really Do This?’ / Usher Equation

My experience supports these formulas. Does yours?

A Last Word

If the ideas presented in this thought paper ring true to you, the last question I would ask is this: Does what I’m saying resonate with your experience?

In my experience, most every learner needs the help of a guide or a coach somewhere along the way as they work their way through the challengs and trials of their learning journey. This suppoort can be a close friend, especially if they are a good listener who knows how to reflect back to their learning partner what they’re hearing, sensing, and feeling. If these kinfs of friends are not available, it’s useful to consider hiring a guide, coach or thought partner.